Sunday, February 14, 2010

the snow knows

Preface: Hi Mom! Look, a blog!

In the previous post, I wrote out a list of goals that were "within reach" and "therefore more likely to be achieved." After publishing that post, I went into a negative place where I hardly even addressed the list.

I felt like a failure as the days went on and I continued to neglect the things I set out to accomplish. These things I planned for myself were supposed to serve as motivation to get myself out of a mental/emotional rut. And yet they pushed me deeper and deeper into my funk.

I'm happy to say, however, that a freak snowstorm Tuesday night -- which would ordinarily take the sass and spunk out of anyone -- ended up bringing out the best in me. With a handful of snow days to conquer (God bless being a teacher), I knew I had to pull out the big guns to stay positive and productive -- and therefore feel worthy and relevant.

So I cooked, I baked, I cleaned, I donated, I shoveled. I left my bedroom and ventured to the living room for a change, as a change in scenery has always made a huge difference for my mind (as demonstrated in my move from the Pacific NW to Mid-Atlantic in 2004). I read magazines, I wrote birthday cards, I groomed and entertained my dog. I watched copious episodes of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," which I must thank for ironically saving me from insanity through insanity itself.

The most valuable thing therapy taught me was the ability to sense myself falling and catch myself by finding distractions. Sometimes I think my whole life has become a distraction.

All that said, I'm at a funny, mini-crossroads between a couple mindsets I can never reconcile. How can I keep busy without falling down the rabbit hole? How can I relax without finding myself in a rut?

It's the curse of the extremes, and unfortunately I think I inherited the curse at birth. I struggle with moderation in many aspects of life, and it's easier just to bounce between polarities.
But "easy" doesn't get you far in life, I've found. Must find that balance.


aki said...

I am really impressed Marjan, this is great and I love your blog.

Here is some of my best I can be goals:

Keep my routine workout and add more Pilates

Be kinder to myself.

Accept people for who they are.

this is it for now but I have some more to come soon!

ee said...

ooooh, I remembered my other goal is to MIND MY OWN BUSINESS!!!!!!