Friday, June 26, 2009

a new road.

It's been a while since I addressed this. But in writing it out, I hope to make this moment more solid and stable.

The last few days I've been trying something vastly different.
I've been actively and tirelessly trying to change the gears in my mind. I'm making a conscious, dogged effort to get rid of my disordered thoughts. I'm fighting to completely overhaul my idea of what I "should" look like. What/How much I "should" be eating. I'm trying my damnedest to look at myself as a whole instead of a sum of excessive body parts or mini failures.

I'm trying very hard to trust my body's cues, with the hopes that if I give myself enough, The Mind and The Body will eventually come to an agreement and fall back into a normal, synergistic pattern.

And I'm working to let go of my old self-image. For the last year and a half, before I'd look in the mirror, I'd still anticipate an image from 15-20 pounds ago. Not surprisingly, my actual reflection would lead to shock and negative emotions. I need to let go of that old image. Yes, I was there once. Yes, I was there for a while. That does not mean it's where I need to be. That does not mean it's where I'm supposed to be.

I'd essentially split myself in two recently -- one part jealous of the Other. Let go of Her. Stop idolizing Her. Just let Her be. Leave Her where she is. Think of all the crap She dealt with. Remember how She shattered.

It's only been a few days, but it's working. Slowly. I still stumble and shamefully wish for Her to come back. But I refuse to deliberately bash my emotions and self-worth anymore. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of the masochism. I indulged in self-pity for one too many days, one too many years.

I'm nowhere near "recovered," mentally speaking.
But, hell, I've traveled
miles trying for it.

Monday, June 22, 2009

you say it's your birthday...

23 23 23.

Spent the weekend in the Newest of Jerseys, at the shore, catching up with my friend Julia, who's known me since third grade. She is so beautiful and kindhearted and mindblowingly smart. When you find a person who makes you feel comfortable in any situation and context, that's something to hold on to. Julia is one of those gems.

We talked on the beach, ordered delicious salads on the porch of a waterside restaurant, made me an early birthday cake, watched 682 episodes of Dexter On Demand, and got all artsy craftsy. I slept on the most comfortable couch, in the cute guesthouse of a famous musician -- because Julia impresses everyone, even world-renowned rock stars.

Boxed cake.
Only the best for my birthd

And the kindness continued with birthday gifts from Lindsay's family, who's letting me stay at their home for the month (butchered that pronoun agreement). As if letting me stay in their home isn't gracious enough, they surprised me with:

"Eat Drink and Be Vegan" cookbook (!!!), Clif Bars, trail mix, Numi tea, stainless steel water bottle, Burt's Bees body butter and soap, Barnes & Noble giftcard.

Tomorrow, I treat myself to an hour of deep tissue massage. I want to cry in pain and hurts-so-goodness. I also bought myself this gorgeous and morbid, handmade poster from

At dinner yesterday, I was greeted with a platter of cupcakes and candles. It wasn't until now that I realized: I didn't make a wish when I blew out the little flames.

I'm starting to think that might be a good sign.