Friday, June 26, 2009

a new road.

It's been a while since I addressed this. But in writing it out, I hope to make this moment more solid and stable.

The last few days I've been trying something vastly different.
I've been actively and tirelessly trying to change the gears in my mind. I'm making a conscious, dogged effort to get rid of my disordered thoughts. I'm fighting to completely overhaul my idea of what I "should" look like. What/How much I "should" be eating. I'm trying my damnedest to look at myself as a whole instead of a sum of excessive body parts or mini failures.

I'm trying very hard to trust my body's cues, with the hopes that if I give myself enough, The Mind and The Body will eventually come to an agreement and fall back into a normal, synergistic pattern.

And I'm working to let go of my old self-image. For the last year and a half, before I'd look in the mirror, I'd still anticipate an image from 15-20 pounds ago. Not surprisingly, my actual reflection would lead to shock and negative emotions. I need to let go of that old image. Yes, I was there once. Yes, I was there for a while. That does not mean it's where I need to be. That does not mean it's where I'm supposed to be.

I'd essentially split myself in two recently -- one part jealous of the Other. Let go of Her. Stop idolizing Her. Just let Her be. Leave Her where she is. Think of all the crap She dealt with. Remember how She shattered.

It's only been a few days, but it's working. Slowly. I still stumble and shamefully wish for Her to come back. But I refuse to deliberately bash my emotions and self-worth anymore. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of the masochism. I indulged in self-pity for one too many days, one too many years.

I'm nowhere near "recovered," mentally speaking.
But, hell, I've traveled
miles trying for it.


amy. said...

Wow this was so intense and beautiful to read. I relate to 100% of it, and I wish to start changing the gears in my mind as well. The anticipation of an image 15-20 pounds ago...YES..I experience that every time I am about to look in the mirror. Thank you so much for this post <3 <3

Ms.Anchi said...

Marjan, that's wonderful to hear.
be strong. It may be a long road ahead...but I think this direction, the direction that you're trudging down now is the way out.

love love love