I still (unfortunately and frequently) have those moments (weeks), when I essentially pray for the "strength" to go back to my old ways. It is pathetic and embarrassing, but I still find myself longing for the parts of my eating disorder that gave me comfort and a sense of power. It is sick, yet destructively satisfying, and I have a feeling that this unacceptable desire will stay with me for many more years.
At the same time, I look at where I am now, and for the first time, I'm starting to feel genuinely relieved and proud that I've found some distance from The Old Me. I never thought I'd feel that way again. Even two days ago, I was more disappointed than proud of myself.
Of course, this positive attitude is probably temporary. Confidence and pride are fleeting in recovery. One meal's mental triumph can twist into a failure three minutes later. So I write down these things to remind myself how far I've come.
I am proud of my ongoing recovery because:
- My emotions no longer crumble in an instant. The final two years of undergrad were filled with mental breakdowns over minor moments. I remember one night in 2007, I tried using my swipe-key to get into the Journalism building. After two failed swipes, I literally fell to the ground sobbing and dry-heaving. These moments were very frequent and unpredictable.
- I can now focus on the company -- not the calories -- when I go to restaurant. This allows me to truly celebrate when I want to honor the people I care for.
- My mind is no longer occupied by computations and numbers and deficits and estimations and double digits and triple digits and quadruple digits.
- Similarly, my days and emotions are not dictated by digital numbers that flash in bright red like a bad grade on a report card. Two-tenths of a pound no longer sends me into spirals of depression and forced starvation.
- I'm becoming less afraid of food. I truly had a fear of food, which goes against basic human instinct. What living creature is afraid of food? I must not have been living.
- I know Patrick is happier with our relationship. And why shouldn't he be? We are laughing more, and I am finally giving him the time and mental/emotional effort that I once selfishly and uncontrollably devoted to my eating disorder. I was ruthless, I was disrespectful, I was downright hurtful in the thick (thin?) of it all. I'm ashamed of my behavior, of my lies.
When I eat to get rid of hunger, the voice inside still whispers, "Why are you eating right now? You're alone. No one is watching you."
And again, in light of honestly, I have to admit: I've tried countless times to go back. To lose, to starve, to hurt. I wasn't able to. And I debate with myself: Is it because I've lost the self-control to do so, or because there's a part of me deep down that never wants to go back?
I try to focus on the latter, even though my brain keeps telling me I'm lazy/indulgent/greedy/enter-self-depricating-word-here. I try to tell myself, "This is what your body needs after so much time without." And I'm slowly starting to believe it.
It's a form of trickery, sure, but it's gotten me this far.